The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. - Fred Allen
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. - Fred Allen
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. - Fred Allen
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. - Fred Allen
Do we really deserve top billing? - Fred Allen
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. - Fred Allen
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. - Fred Allen
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. - Fred Allen
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. - Fred Allen
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. - Fred Allen
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission. - Fred Allen
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? - Fred Allen
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. - Fred Allen
[Television is] the triumph of machine over people. - Fred Allen
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. - Fred Allen
California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen
a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done - Fred Allen
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there. - Fred Allen
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen
An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt. - Fred Allen
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. - Fred Allen
All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it. - Fred Allen
Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done. - Fred Allen
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars. - Fred Allen
Imitation is the sincerest form of television. - Fred Allen
California is a great place to live if you're an orange. - Fred Allen
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back. - Fred Allen
California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. - Fred Allen
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. - Fred Allen
Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen